January 12, 2019
My highest recorded weight was 432 lbs. I know I’ve been fatter, I just didn’t get on the scale. Now, almost two years away from bilateral knee replacements, I am reclaiming my former self, and I’m a full 100 lbs lighter than my heaviest, with a long way yet to go. My end goal is currently 190 lbs. When I get there, I’ll reevaluate.
Actually, I am declaring ownership of a me I know nothing about. I don’t know the slim, muscular woman I am going be in about another year and a half. I know the current me is scared to death of all the surgical procedures I’ll need to deal with the unpleasant reality of excess skin. There’s a lot that terrifies me, but I need to shelf those concerns and worry about them when I get there.
Right now I am dealing with the reality of compliments. Compliments? Oh, I get them all the time. I’m good at my job. I’m a hard worker, I’ve a good brain, and I get things done. When people notice that they give compliments. But compliments on how I look? I don’t know how to handle those. Every time I get a compliment I want to binge eat. Sometimes I do. The struggle, as they say, is real.
It`s taken me a lifetime to get to the point where I want something more for myself than scraps of living, scraps of experience. I find myself wanting things. All this is rather new for me — wanting and actually believing those wants could happen. Also new is doing for myself and my sake instead of that of others.
Reclamation is not just taking back something that belongs to you. It’s about building something new — reclamation, reinvention — restoration always changes the status quo. In so many ways I have no idea who that new woman will be. I am writing about myself so I’ll still know me when I become who I am becoming.
